Most of us have at one point in life, felt left out. Usually, we go and vent to our sister, or mom, or close friend when it happens. But what if we don’t have these close-knit friends?
I have personally been apart of, and witnessed many people close to me who have suffered through not having a ‘group.’ It’s one of the most painful things a person can deal with. You begin questioning yourself. Am I not funny enough? Am I not fun? Am I too quiet? Or too loud? What makes me so different?
It seems as though we teach our kids at a young age to include everyone, and for the most part, they do when they are younger. But as they enter that awkward middle school age, somewhere that inclusion becomes exclusion. It can come out of nowhere…but can last for a lifetime. Which is NOT okay.
My high school friends and I joke (now) how we each had that ‘year’ when we were left out. We laugh about it now, but for an upper elementary/middle school girl, it was one of the hardest things to deal with. And who wants to tell their mom or other friends about how people don’t like you?? Kids don’t talk honestly about their feelings. And these days, we have to take mental health SO seriously.
It is not easy looking in from the outside of these social groups.
Not having that group you go on all of your vacations with. Not having a group who invites you to their ‘Sunday Funday.’ Not being a part of a group text. Not being a part of playdates with the kids. Not being a part of the “friends’ pictures that are always posted on Insta and Facebook.
When you don’t have this ‘circle of friends,’ it’s hard to not naturally compare yourself to the relationships others have around you. But here is my take on it.
Most people, don’t leave others out intentionally. I think sometimes people get comfortable in life–with their significant others, family, friends, job, and once they find those things they aren’t looking for ‘more.’
But here is the thing. We all complain about how there is so much hate in the world. But change has to start somewhere. At some point, we have to try something new to break this cycle.
I understand you cannot be friends with everyone. But it should never be our intention to purposely leave someone out.
Here is what we need to do. We need to be more mindful and purposeful with building relationships with others. Differences were never meant to divide us– they are meant for us to build off each other. One person can pick up the slack where another one of us lacks. It takes all kinds of kinds.
So, parents, friends, teachers, co-workers–please…we have to do better. We have to start raising our kids to understand that it’s okay to include others that we might not mesh ‘perfectly’ with every once in a while. But we also have to do this ourselves, as adults too. We have to break this vicious ‘cycle’ of finding your ‘circle,’ and instead, encourage your friends to embrace the inclusion of others to build a ‘U.’
So, how do we do this? Here are a few tips I have gathered that might give you some insight. {This goes both for us as adults and for raising kids}
Be a model of the friend you are looking for. Kristen Bell said it so good below. Be the person you needed when you were hurting. It’s okay to break the cycle. If your friends get upset or question why you want to include others, then they aren’t very good friends. If you are influential to children in any way (think teachers, parents, etc)– model kindness and inclusion of others–kids learn best by watching us.
Encourage your child/ or challenge yourself to become more inclusive–not just tolerant. We all say that we accept others differences, but are we really willing to include those different from us? This is tough for most of us, but if we can break through this barrier, this vicious cycle will hopefully become less prominent in our world. Those with more recognizable differences usually need the most love and acceptance–and inclusion is the first step in helping them feel confident. Differences were never meant to divide us. Instead, we should use them to bring us closer–to help us fill the gaps where we might lack and others thrive.
It starts with a simple invitation. Even for the friends you do have, this speaks volumes. Getting an invitation to either go somewhere, regardless of if you can go or not, makes you feel cared about and included. Even if you know someone won’t be able to attend, invite them anyway. It can do wonders for their self-esteem.
Reach out to outsiders and find ways to include them. Some people aren’t naturally outgoing or ‘good’ at getting out to meet new people, but that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t make a great friend. If you are outgoing, then go up to that person and invite them to your next girls’ outing. If you are the shy one, don’t be afraid to just smile or wave. Coming off as friendly is never a bad thing, and might start up a conversation.
Show Kindness. If you can’t step outside your comfort zone quite yet, take baby steps. Simply notice someone. Say hello, smile, compliment them. It doesn’t have to take a lot to make a huge difference. Try not to be oblivious to those who seem lonely, and don’t assume there is something ‘wrong’ with them. Instead, be more purposeful in showing kindness and generosity to those who seem like they might need it.
If you are feeling like you are ‘content’ with life or feel like you have been through this before and don’t need the drama…remember how it felt. You have lived it–be the one who breaks the cycle for someone else. Break your circle. Be the friend you were searching for, not the friend who hurt you.
xoxo-
‘I Don’t Fit in. They Don’t Really Want Me There. I Wonder Why I Wasn’t Invited. Circles Are Great if You’re on the Inside.’
The idea of building a ‘U’ comes from Amy Weatherly.
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