So many mothers contemplate their feeding plan…should I breastfeed? Should I pump? Should I supplement? Should we just start out with formula?
I’m here to tell you, I have tried it all. I know what they tell you is ‘best.’ But the ‘best’ thing for you… is to not let the pressure build on you, regardless of what anyone says. Sometimes things don’t work out. If your first choice works… GREAT! But if not, you are not alone, and it’s OKAY.
With our first baby, I was barely producing enough milk. The nurses said this is typical when you have a premature baby. I tried breastfeeding…over and over. It just wasn’t working for me. And looking back, I’m not sure I really wanted to breastfeed. It just made me feel awkward…it isn’t for everyone…and I had to tell myself that it was ok!
But…I so badly wanted my son to have breastmilk for at least six months, however, I just couldn’t keep up pumping. I became anxious everywhere we went. When I was going to pump (which I was still trying to do every 3-4 hours trying to up my supply)? Where would I find an outlet? Will it be in a private space? What will I miss out on when I have to leave to pump at social gatherings? At school, our custodian even installed an outlet in the bathroom just for me after watching me use an extension cord under the door to a next door room. {Yay for amazing people!}
Thanks to a couple of close friends, they were able to donate their milk to help me reach that six-month goal. But you know what? Once we started with formula, I was such a happier mom. The stress was gone when it came to feeding my baby. And you know what…he was still happy. And growing. And is now a 2 1/2 year-old little boy who you would never guess was a premie. Or who was breastfed and formula fed.
The second time around, my goal was to feed my baby breastmilk for 6 months again. However, things were not as smooth sailing as I thought (nor was anything in this pregnancy…which I may talk about in a future post). But, for once, I was producing enough! I was freezing milk! But guess what…she threw up almost ALL of her entire bottle. EVERY TIME. In my head, I’m thinking, “WHAT THE HECK!? I finally produce enough and she doesn’t keep any of it down.” We tried new bottles…they helped with her fussiness but not with the spit up. And as picky as I am…changing my diet was just not going to work out…
So we tried formula #1. Of course it worked pretty good. It was a more expensive brand, so after a while we thought we might try the cheaper version. We thought things were going great, until about a week or two in and she is back to spitting up. So, we go back to formula #1. And of course, now it’s not working. So we try formula #3….and 4, and 5, and 6…and we are still NOT finding her sweet spot.
Yes…it could be acid reflux–which her dad had as a baby, and it could be her esophagus flap that isn’t developed…all of which our doctor was not concerned with. So…we keep trying…
Overall, it’s stressful, and I feel bad. I feel bad for her. I feel bad that some people don’t want to hold her because she might spit on their clothes. It’s a never-ending battle right now. But we are chosing to focus on taking it one day at a time.
Anyway, this post isn’t to complain, but for me to get my thoughts out to remind myself…whatever choice we choose, your baby knows it’s in their best interest. Whether your goal is to breastfeed or to enjoy more time with your kids instead of pumping–I feel you! I have felt all these emotions, and at the end of the day, and over the course of raising two babies…we just have to do what is best for us and our babies…at the time. Note to self: Try not to let this overtake the enjoyment of having a baby. Time goes by way too fast! If your baby is (mostly) happy, and gaining weight…then you are doing it! <3
xoxo-
Brittany
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